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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.